Today’s Supply Run

I mean if one thing was taught about this situation for me is how much heightened emotions can play a part into one’s decision making. We have very good reason to be in fear but at the same time, this fear made me sad.

This virus still lingers and I’ve spent most of my days at home. I’ve had to adjust recreating an office environment which I am grateful for, considering this is not an option nor opportunity that a lot of people have.

A lot of folks currently had to be let go and are out of a job. So not only are these people faced with the realization of possibly dying from a disease, there is the possibility of dying of stress or poverty. This has caused many to really decide what the next step is to stay alive as best as possible.

Walking around fear was all I saw. People doing what they can to survive. There’s colored marking tape instructing people to stay as far away from each other as possible. This is a shock to society, not in just the economic changes we are facing but is a shock to our social and emotional psyche. It feels surreal and still unreal to me that I can’t just go out and see a friend, meet up colleagues for happy hour, or do the things that feel so routine and mundane to me. We are all now afraid to breathe in each other’s space and afraid to touch each other. Touch- what a human natural process that has felt stripped away, out of fear of the virus spreading. Things we never really paid attention to before, we pay attention to now.

It makes you really take a look back and have a sense of gratitude.

With this time that I’ve spent at home, I’ve with intention made it a point to make it as productive as possible. I won’t spend each day not accomplishing something, or fulfilling some purpose I have. Even if in the smallest of ways. After my grocery run today, I was in and out. I made no eye contact. I was still happy to see someone smile and of course, I smiled back but now we’re all suspicious of each other and untrusting. I found things and also seen things I thought someone may find useful and informed my online community what can be found if they needed it.

Luckily some places allowed for certain things to happen such as curbside pickup.

Nonetheless, it’s a Saturday. A day to take a break from reality. We tried to make our day as normal and as fun as possible. Since we are in this bubble, we might as well make the best of it. That’s all we can do as a society, make the best of it.

Love you all and stay safe,

Martha

Little Wonders Of Today

I haven’t been back in a while. I haven’t looked back at my posts yet, but after this I’m going to. I want to know what little nuances I have been occupying my mind with, now that I’m living in a world where my worries are far greater than what used to be my thoughts, far beyond what used to fill it.

We live in a world now of fear, unsure of what tomorrow will bring. Just to document and give you an update of what is going on. There’s currently a pandemic going on. They have just shut down gyms, movie theaters, restaurants, bars, etc. Anything you can think of that promotes social gatherings, it’s gone. The grocery stores that carry essentials, still open. The grocery stores though- nothing but skeletal leftovers stripped off of certain necessities. Toilet paper? Gone. Hand sanitizer? Gone. The thing we rely on most? Internet delivery? The internet shipments? Scarce, barely existent. Hugs and kisses? Not if you want to “survive”.

Not even a week ago, maybe 2 weeks ago. For some reason it felt so long ago- I was happily driving on my way from and to the gym. Not thinking a thing about being afraid of someone coughing, not thinking about how the world could look like. The day was just so ordinary, it was here and gone in a blink of an eye. Now when you cough? Worry, paranoia. Yes, we have become afraid of each other on the surface for the most part. Yet, I do feel lucky to see most people, noticing this fear and doing the best they can, the best we can, to take care of each other. We’re all we have in this world. Now I sit here wondering, what use is the brands, the money, the desire for power, the beautiful houses, vacations, and luxuries when it’s just us humans and this Earth?

It just made me really realize the little things we take for granted. It made me happy that each moment I could have to be happy, I was. Even though during times where I was happy in moments people were upset, people considered me delusional for not worrying about the things they worry about. But I just didn’t want to waste my time being unhappy, worrying about things that I couldn’t control. I wanted to do what I can when I can and focus on the things that brought me joy. I feel like I cherished each moment to be happy. I wanted to save the energy to worry when I really needed to and focus on being happy when I really was. I knew this was a world that had its rules, had its game long before I live and long after I will die. I just thought, I will not die complaining and worrying my life away.

Today, I feel it most-the idea that we are souls passing through this journey, completely and totally unsure of tomorrow, with each moment that passes by, a blessing. I did what I wanted. I said I love you to who I wanted to know that I loved- I continue to say I love you to the ones I want to know that I love. The mistakes I’ve made in the past, seem like distant moments. I don’t even remember some of them anymore. I just now remember the ones that I can keep close to my heart, the ones that I want to carry with me as I move on life.

I feel less inclined to worry about the things that I worried about before. I feel more inclined to care and love where I need to now, where it is welcomed and invited. The thing I feel more alive in me more than ever is hope.

Where there is hope, there is still the will to keep going.

Keep the hope alive -don’t give up. We are each others’ heroes now. It’s up to us to save each other and love each other.

Love,

Martha

 

What A Wonderful World

At first, I think not fully processing what happened over the weekend became something of a transition. Thoughts whirled throughout my mind about what I wanted in life, what happened, why did it happen, and how could have I prevented it? I’d love to think that humans in this life could ask me what they wanted to know instead of assume but unfortunately, the world doesn’t work like that.

Lies are much more entertaining than the truth. So I decided, I won’t play victim to the lies. I will move with new intention of the truth that I know. I wondered if there would ever be a time that the world would change, to truly see it for what it is, just a beautiful miraculous piece of what we’ll only have but a taste of.

Maybe it’s just because that I know life is just what we have until it’s over for us. Most of us act like we are immortals and don’t realize how fragile life really is. I wasted no more than 24 hours thinking, harping, or dwelling on a specific moment. Luckily, I was pretty aware of what happened and what was going on so that, I may look back and simply observe and evaluate. Ultimately, I knew I needed to rearrange.

There was something broken about the way things happened. In weaving through reasons and actions, I’ve come to decide on something I dreaded initially. I didn’t know why I dreaded it so much. It was something I have done before and allowed time to naturally heal. Did I feel so much at that time that I let my feelings overshadow what I knew all along?

Maybe.

I’ve felt all my life that I don’t belong. I was never meant to conform, to be cool, nor part of the crowd. I realized after all, I don’t want to. I do want to still love and feel my softness but because of my desire to be somewhere not for me, I have felt the brokenness of me. I felt my flame start to dim. These past few months were of my fighting for my awakening. I felt something wasn’t for me as it used to and I decided, I do not want to find out, what it’s like to be the winner or the loser of this game that I created in my mind.

I think that last moment dictated how I was going to move on. I held on tight because I knew that was all I had left to give. I knew if I had something to give, even if it wasn’t reciprocated, I should give it. It was the forgiveness of me I needed to express knowing I wasn’t careful at first. I think I thought prior, well I’m pretty sure I knew it all and let myself flow with the freedom of indulging in what I thought was something worth indulging in, pretending it was freedom. That freedom turned into a prison of the mind.

I created such a fragile thing out of it. It’s funny sometimes, what your mind is capable of. Trapping itself in a glass bubble. The glass started to crack; the little bubble I created of happiness that I thought I needed, started to seep in truth with a force not even glue could fix. It started to change me. I felt myself deteriorating of what little innocence I had rebuilt- my inner child wanted to rebel and revolt.

What would I say to myself now? If I were a 6 year old me? If I were my own daughter? I’d say, “it’s okay to make mistakes, feel the things and act upon them for a moment. I am here for you. I forgive you and love you beyond your faults. I can never think the same things that others think of you because I know they’re not true. I know what is true in your heart and the only validating you need to seek is in you. Sure, it’s difficult to be a woman in this world, especially with rules not made for us to win but we have made it this far. The ceiling is ever changing and there is more beyond what you think there is.”

I thought this and for whatever reason, made my way to a person who I least expected to give me advice that could echo through my soul for this lifetime. Her advice I will forever cherish and appreciate. Post conversation, The realization hit me. What real conversation and connections I was missing out on, chasing shallow relationships that didn’t serve me, my future, nor my happiness.

We all go through these pains, struggles, and unhappiness. People often look at me and think that I’ve never been through such a thing because of the way I view life. So I wonder if that’s always going to be my superpower. I hope it is the one thing that never leaves me. The ability to see the silver lining behind every situation. It is the one thing my mother gave me that I’ll always remember she has, to this day. Because of women like her, and women like the friend I had a conversation with, I could endure anything this world could throw at me. We could all endure it.

Life I never assumed to be easy. I never expect it to any time soon. I don’t make it a point to remind myself of the pain or struggles of the past very often, nor the struggles of the current because then I am looking in darkness. I don’t expect anything or everything to be easier. I just hope God continues to give me the strength I need for every little thing.

Ultimately, my body gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. My body worn and tired today, is strong because I did something amazing and created another wonderful human being to occupy this world as a loving soul full of innocence and life. This is my story. I hope it helps anyone out there, maybe going through some things and needs a reminder that you are worth the good life has to offer and things are temporary. Smile and laugh through it all. Learn from your experiences, good or bad and improve from them. They all have a hidden message that will give you the wisdom you need to pass on someday.

Love,

Martha

Changes are here and they’re always welcomed.

Hey guys,

I’m back now with my thoughts, welcoming a new era of myself. I had been broken down in 2019. I have survived and allowed myself to welcome negativity throughout it. I woke up again.

I woke up, particularly this morning, simply staring at the ceiling. Waves of indigo and yellow glossed over as I continued to allow my gaze to continue and allow the beautiful colors to continue. It was one of the most lucid moments I’ve had. Aware of the aura that moved in the ceiling and wondering how beautiful it was to see. I was delighted by the fact that it was there and my meditative state allowed a few minutes of indulgence of the energy to surge.

I finally focused my eyes to the ceiling and the waves of colors stopped. I sat up and still wondered how beautiful that moment was. I thought, I should meditate more often. It was a nice moment not to think about anything.

So here I am again, back to the routine of taking more care of myself. For a moment, I thought to myself as lonely. Now I realize that the company I am is the best company I’ll have if I treat her right. It has been a long process and I’ve allowed myself to break down. I wanted to let myself truly surrender to the moments I’ve brought about in my life and I did. I have experienced what I needed to and no questions fill my mind as it used to.

Luckily life happened on its own. I had spent the best last 2 months of my life, feeling no sense of anxiety and knowing what it’s like for one part of my life to fall apart and shed from me like skin. I felt initially a sense of acceptance, then a sense of grief, and soon into recovery. I found a light at the end of the tunnel. I nourished it and accepted it. I protected it as much as possible. This healing was important to me. I started to take mental notes of what was bringing me the bad energy and what was bringing me the good energy. I took into account to truly pay attention to what was hurting and what was helping.

Some people around me taught me plenty. I just came into realization that leadership and truly working towards success is a lonely path and it’s meant to be. Some people come into your life and they will love you but they, although with their best intentions, can block you from your blessings.

When there’s a voice inside, screaming at you, telling you something that you need to know or do, listen. That is what is called your intuition. I had to shut her off a few times but I listened to her the last few times and found it to be right and true. I have been more inviting of her lately. I’ve been letting my intuition tell me what it needs to and laying out the possibilities.

I am meant for more and no one can tell me otherwise. I feel it in deepest parts of my soul how much more I can be to the world and I haven’t figured what that is quite yet but once I do I will be full force on it. There is a reason why 2019 although rough, gave me the best blessings I could receive in 2020. The harder you WORK, the BETTER the results. Don’t give up and don’t allow circumstances to get in the way of your inner work and blessings.

Always trust yourself to know that YOU know what’s best for YOU. Don’t shut off your inner voice. It is saying something that KNOWS you beyond your conscious thoughts. It will guide you the best way possible that will align you with what you want in the future. The more you listen, the better off you’ll be. Continue to look into a perspective of what is and not what you think. So far, this has been my guide and it has been helping me realign with myself through and through and reject what does not help me be my better self.

Love,

Martha

The Toxic Person

There’s always that person that we talk about all the time. We, including myself, always stop to talk about the person who annoys us with their “toxicity” whether it be someone who’s overly negative, too unmotivated, too nice, too blunt, too something. There’s always that person who’s too much or too little of something. It’s easier to become aware and see the toxic traits of people when you study the human flaws a little too much.

I read tons of self development books and it enhanced toxic traits I have seen in people. It’s been easier to handle others’ toxic traits as a result, yes. But there has been many points where I considered myself the toxic person. I came to realize in many points in certain situations where I thought to myself, am I the bad person here? I couldn’t help but consider, am I the toxic person I’ve been preaching about this whole time, maybe to another person? I have come to accept that I do not always live up to my own standards.

I think because of the things I have been through the past year, I have came to decide that I want to be a better person. I want to live up to my own standards. I want to become more aligned with what I believe in and what I know I can give the world. I want to save it, one soul at a time. I don’t now ask myself as often as I used to, if I’m the toxic person. When people start to say, she lives for positivity, or “that’s HER alright” when people say they need someone who’s willing to work and walk the mile with a smile on her face. I realize wow, maybe I am making my mark in this world.

I thought I was the negative part of me until the voice that knows me inside said to me, you are NOT this person. I let myself believe in what I wanted to the point of heading in the wrong direction and the more it took me away from me, the more inner turmoil I had. Luckily I shook myself out of it. The more I became more aligned with me, the more authentic it was. It was to the point where I heard one of my friends had mentioned her desire to be better. It was until she said: “I want to workout and be more of myself than I allow myself to be” that I thought maybe I’m not as good as a friend that I want to be. Hearing those words, words that I would be proud to hear, overwhelmed me with excitement and happiness.

I thought to myself, “this is my purpose in life”. Up until maybe a few months ago, I thought that well people are grown they can manage and life will teach them what it is I wanted to teach them without the lesson. I figured the lesson would come right up and I wouldn’t have to do a thing but found out that friendship included a lot more than standing on the side and watching someone you love make a mistake that you could’ve warned them about.

It has been hard for me not to love from a distance but I decided I want to care. I decided I want my heart to be on my sleeve and want to be open but remind myself that as long as I am honest and say what I actually mean, I will be understood by the people who love me most. The people who love me most will know I have made mistakes but stick by me anyway.

I felt this love hard when I kept feeling people’s tolerance for pain with others. I learn so much by observing and by watching what people are willing to sacrifice for a little bit of bliss. There is nothing a person would not do for a little bit of the love they want to experience and feel. Love is the thing that makes the world go round. I have had even the most cynical and non believing of all tell me otherwise, but I know better.

Without love there is no way the world could turn, there is no way that we would be sitting here, smalls specks of dust in the universe, making and living our way in this world and leaving without the idea that we can truly give and be our all.

I almost became cynical because of it. I found myself agreeing and indulging in the bitterness for a moment, to the point where I let it win. I let it consume me and fill me with pride. Then, redemption came over me. I felt the softness of self forgiveness fill me up. I heard the voice in my mind tell me, it’s okay. “Learn this lesson, really soak it in.” I heard it ask me, “what did you learn?” and I gave myself the answers. I was seeking answers that I thought I needed someone else to tell me and then it hit me, the only person who needed to was myself. I had given myself the answers that I could’ve never been satisfied with by anyone else.

I decided at that moment how much more intentional I want to be with my time and energy. No more questions filled my head. There were no more “what ifs”. I have never felt a freedom of acceptance than I have now. I appreciate solidifying what I knew then is what I have always known. I am happy that my Younger self said to me, “do this because you will be happy if you do”.

I will wake up every day, with a mission in my head, a purpose in my soul, and a kindness in my heart. I will wake up knowing redemption is here. It is in every single moment of every day until the day I die. I will never take each moment for granted. I am here. I am alive. I won’t give up. and I will never let anyone strip me away from myself, ever again.

 

Clarity

This year was a whirlwind of emotions to say the least. I let myself be free and unpredictable and wild. Not all of the choices have been made to be the “right” choice or leading me to a path of least resistance but at the same time those choices full of consequences, hurt, happiness, and confusion made me discover things about myself I haven’t had to put to the test yet. Like when you’re in the middle of wanting to dive into the deep end but afraid there’ll be shallow waters.

After all, I’m only 29, going on 30. Life seems so far way from when I was 5. I constantly bring myself back to certain moments in time when I was a child, not knowing I would end up here in this space.

I wish I could’ve said that I learned so much that I was close to perfect. Perfection is something of a disease that I subconsciously cling to. I always aspired and wished I could be the perfect person, the perfect mother, the perfect friend, the perfect wife, the perfect sister, and the perfect daughter. I so wanted to be perfect all round and I found myself time and again disappointed in my inability to meet my own expectations. I used to beat myself up, heavily. I used to mentally beat others if they didn’t meet my expectations. Soon I have made it to when I came across any disappointment, I found hope soon after and made every attempt to heal the wounds. I dusted off my shoes, fixed my shirt, and learned to keep it trucking. Life doesn’t always feel hopeful during or after, sometimes you think you only have the cards you’re dealt with. I have just been through so much that I refuse to believe there isn’t anything else for me in this world that I can’t experience fully and wholly.

I also just as equally found pride in the way I have been able to clear the smokes in fires that came about in my life. I have been placed in many tests that in which I ignored my awareness and eventually listened. Awareness had kept me at bay from things that I knew would harm me. I had been mentally sprained and hit by confusion, mostly caused by my inability to recognize when energy comes with negative intentions.

I have also been made aware of my desires which is my ability to take my time and not rush things and not want to rush things. I used to feel envious of other people and situations only to find there is just as much weeds on the other side of the fence as my own. I felt a sense of gratitude being able to be in my garden and being able to decide on the flowers that are here and what I want to water.

My fear in the unknown has caused a lot of conflict and fear in me that I felt I had to take a step back from what life has assigned to me and do things to break free and feel a sense of freedom I stopped myself from. I found answers in questions I had and I found that I was asking the wrong questions. I used to feel a sense of what if and now I feel the sense of – I knew what if all along. I knew what I needed to do to take care of my mind, body, and soul and I gravitated towards that. I haven’t stopped gravitating towards it since. Like recently volunteering at a community center giving lunch, getting a reminder of what life is like outside of me.

Some things I constantly wish I would’ve done differently but I feel if I had, would I really have made it this far mentally? Would I have been able to know the things I do now? No and I’m so glad. I feel so at peace now and I needed that kind of serenity in my mind. The peace and calmness I was able to develop was resulting from making decisions that I felt were right for me. I knew what I wanted then and for once I was able to align what I wanted to what I needed now. When that happened, the candle fire lit up in my mind and stood burning melting wax of doubt and uncertainty away. I kept doing things that brought me certainty, peace, and love for myself.

Life can be a cruel monster or your best teacher, sometimes you gotta listen to what it’s telling you. A lot of lessons are pretty loud and the little voice in your intuition, is usually right.  I have many times stopped to listen to that inner voice and shut her out and my inner voice became so loud and the lessons became so loud that I couldn’t ignore it. I had to listen and I had to listen carefully and fully honor what it’s telling me, no matter who is in my way.

People think I’m a pushover but I think a pushover is someone who stays in the same spot, same situation, same place, continuing to be pushed over and never moving from that spot. That’s not me.

Love,

Martha Donis

Lose to Gain

I’m finally alone with my thoughts, still up and wide awake, completely in disbelief at how this past year has been a whirlwind of ups and downs.

People never tell you when you’re younger the things that are talked about around you whether they’re good or bad are a product of just life happening. It really just comes and goes endlessly. No one makes you feel comforted knowing that everything good AND bad happens to almost everyone and everyone’s “good” and “bad” aren’t so different. No one ever tells you it’s okay if you go through them and no one tells you how all you have to do is continue the struggle with a strong mind. Often, society makes it seem like they are ready to tear you down and make you feel inferior when when you aren’t always your best self. We are creatures of impulse, loneliness, confusion, madness, love and yet still manage to maintain some type of innocence deep down inside. There is still the innocence in us, the part of us that wants to feel like we matter, are loved, and are accepted for who we are. Almost every one of us finds ways to bring us closer to it.

We don’t anticipate everything happening so quickly as time passes, wondering what the next day will bring, wondering if we learned anything since yesterday.

All of our life experiences are vital for growth. It’s necessary to go through mistakes and forgive yourself. I was as gentle as I could be with myself, learning to love the woman who was hurt, the woman who was lost, and the woman who fought her way through to love and acceptance. That was the woman I saw during all my phases. The hardest part was staying dedicated to rebuilding myself into the woman who said no to things not serving my mind, body, nor soul in a positive way and placing boundaries where there weren’t before. There were so many teachers this year- so much of it taught me patience.

I have been lucky to have been loved so unconditionally in my life and I have been lucky to study the psychological aspects of the human experience and how to survive it by reading/listening to others’. I was fortunate to not only survive my human experiences but I managed to overcome and take any pieces that have bruised and broken to rearrange and rebuild.

I have learned to embrace loss and find the gains in them through multiple and imperative exercises of the mind, heart, body, and soul. I’m glad I leaned to embrace loss and be unafraid of it. There is a freedom of being unattached to an idea and an expectation that you can’t put a price on.

The gains were in how from beginning to end, I maintained vigor in my desire for my life to flourish and prosper- a priority. I never wanted to come out on the other side empty handed from what I can offer me knowing I can bring my experiences to the table. The only person you can truly depend on, is yourself. The person in the mirror is the only one who can make or break you and your future.

Love,

Martha D