Lost

I’m full of mixed emotions right now.

My worst nightmare is coming to reality and I didn’t even know it. The most amazing person that I’ve ever met in my entire lifetime is about to go soon. All I do is pray the Lord that my grandpa is there with Him.

Last night, my father posted a Facebook post stating his dad wants to dance (in Spanish) and is hoping he doesn’t go soon. I immediately felt stunned and worried, I had to call them to find out if they’re okay.

Not the best way to greet me but my dad pretty much told me you finally call when someone is about to die. I was taken aback by such a remark. I understand he’s trying to cope with the death of his own dad, but what sense does it make to push me away? I suppressed my disappointment and just replied in monotone, unsure of how to sound or what to say. I didn’t make it a point to turn the situation over to myself even though that hurt me pretty bad.

I’ve learned to take a lot of that growing up, the why do you cares, or oh you’re there. The apathetic emotions that grew into me. I’ve let those emotions take me over and now I’m not who I used to be.

But the one person who cared about me, sung to me and my sister, always loved us and tried to preach God to us as much as he can, is about to leave the Earth spiritually and physically. I feel like my world just got a little bit darker. All the lights in my head and in my heart are dimming. I feel the shine dulling. I feel as empty as can be.

The worst part is my mind, my heart, and body fight against itself to get me how to react and understand in general what I’m feeling. I feel lost and upset but I also feel acceptance. My grandfather is old and we all knew the time would be near since his last stroke. Overall, however, I feel numb most of all. I now envy people who are able to feel pain. I can feel it in brief glimpses of my life but they’re so brief it never lasts long. I’ve tried to feel hurt or emotional to let it out but my eyes refused to let out anymore tears.

Right now, I’m aware that my grandpa is in the hospital, in a coma. He has been considered brain dead. The doctor asked them because he is no longer able to breathe on his own, if they want to open him up and manually get him breathing.

The last thing I heard is my grandma and my dad are deciding to pull the plug.

It scares me now ,the reality of what moving on means to my life after this. I hope that all the words my grandpa has preached to me will instill in me or somehow God will awaken in my soul.

My dad said he felt guilty of the way he’s treated him beforehand and I know at some point we will always feel guilty about the things we’ve done to others, especially ones that we love. That is why I have to figure out ways to love as hard as I can, as much as I can. Regain the ability to feel my emotions with no fear so that I won’t find myself feeling guilty of not loving the ones I love, hard enough before they go.

With a heavy heart,

-Martha Donis

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Martha

Currently living in Ohio with my small little family, exploring the beauty of life and sharing my experiences, growth, and health journey.

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