First day of Kindergarten.
I don’t remember much about being in school but I do remember not really having a great experience. I guess most of what I have been through was a result of ignorance and not having any mentorship or guidance relative to what we deal with in the United States. I am a first generation child of the US. My parents came here long ago and received their citizenship long ago to give me and my sister a better life, tale as old as time. Many people travel outside of the comfort zone of where there are to seek that “better life”.
Fast forward and I have created the second generation. My daughter is the first child I can give all this knowledge to and share experiences with. She and I will relate on many levels as she grows, since her path is headed towards womanhood. As she reaches certain stages in her life, I will be able to guide and love her in this world that is so ever changing and at the same time, predictable.
Nothing has prepared me for today. My emotions have been battered and beaten by the trials and tribulations of adulthood that I barely get emotional anymore and watch movies in order to cry but today, the tears flowed down my face and anxiety creeped up in waves throughout my body as I watched my first and only daughter so enthusiastically set up her backpack on the cubby. I felt my mental breakdown happening. I thought that because she goes to daycare, I would have been able to handle her independence a lot better than I did but my mind and heart knew that this was the new next step of her life. She wasn’t at daycare anymore with her usuals and I was able to witness this milestone.
I was excited and anxious at the same time and my daughter, gave me the comfort I needed to know that she was okay. Meanwhile, the teacher hugged me as I was looking around trying to wipe tears from my eyes, turning away from my daughter so she won’t see that I’m having this slight emotional moment so that I do not to pass it on to her. I took one last peak in the room as the teacher announced, “see you at 2”, watching my daughter gab some toys and play. I walked away feeling the height of my emotions start to settle and feeling my anxiety subside as I took a deep breath in and out and watched all the other mothers, calm as can be, get in their cars and leave. I sat in the car for a moment, contemplating where the time went, remembering all the ways I loved my daughter the past 5 years. Seeing she is now 5 and not a baby anymore.
No amount of books or youtube videos consumed would have been able to get me to comprehend that what we create will go off on their own and we just have to let go each and every time to trust that they will be making the right choices and even to love them if they don’t. I have faith though. I trust that she will attempt to make the right choices and I will not condemn her if she doesn’t but only correct and guide her.
I love you Olivia, I hope one day you can read this and know these are the things I felt with you.