There’s always that person that we talk about all the time. We, including myself, always stop to talk about the person who annoys us with their “toxicity” whether it be someone who’s overly negative, too unmotivated, too nice, too blunt, too something. There’s always that person who’s too much or too little of something. It’s easier to become aware and see the toxic traits of people when you study the human flaws a little too much.
I read tons of self development books and it enhanced toxic traits I have seen in people. It’s been easier to handle others’ toxic traits as a result, yes. But there has been many points where I considered myself the toxic person. I came to realize in many points in certain situations where I thought to myself, am I the bad person here? I couldn’t help but consider, am I the toxic person I’ve been preaching about this whole time, maybe to another person? I have come to accept that I do not always live up to my own standards.
I think because of the things I have been through the past year, I have came to decide that I want to be a better person. I want to live up to my own standards. I want to become more aligned with what I believe in and what I know I can give the world. I want to save it, one soul at a time. I don’t now ask myself as often as I used to, if I’m the toxic person. When people start to say, she lives for positivity, or “that’s HER alright” when people say they need someone who’s willing to work and walk the mile with a smile on her face. I realize wow, maybe I am making my mark in this world.
I thought I was the negative part of me until the voice that knows me inside said to me, you are NOT this person. I let myself believe in what I wanted to the point of heading in the wrong direction and the more it took me away from me, the more inner turmoil I had. Luckily I shook myself out of it. The more I became more aligned with me, the more authentic it was. It was to the point where I heard one of my friends had mentioned her desire to be better. It was until she said: “I want to workout and be more of myself than I allow myself to be” that I thought maybe I’m not as good as a friend that I want to be. Hearing those words, words that I would be proud to hear, overwhelmed me with excitement and happiness.
I thought to myself, “this is my purpose in life”. Up until maybe a few months ago, I thought that well people are grown they can manage and life will teach them what it is I wanted to teach them without the lesson. I figured the lesson would come right up and I wouldn’t have to do a thing but found out that friendship included a lot more than standing on the side and watching someone you love make a mistake that you could’ve warned them about.
It has been hard for me not to love from a distance but I decided I want to care. I decided I want my heart to be on my sleeve and want to be open but remind myself that as long as I am honest and say what I actually mean, I will be understood by the people who love me most. The people who love me most will know I have made mistakes but stick by me anyway.
I felt this love hard when I kept feeling people’s tolerance for pain with others. I learn so much by observing and by watching what people are willing to sacrifice for a little bit of bliss. There is nothing a person would not do for a little bit of the love they want to experience and feel. Love is the thing that makes the world go round. I have had even the most cynical and non believing of all tell me otherwise, but I know better.
Without love there is no way the world could turn, there is no way that we would be sitting here, smalls specks of dust in the universe, making and living our way in this world and leaving without the idea that we can truly give and be our all.
I almost became cynical because of it. I found myself agreeing and indulging in the bitterness for a moment, to the point where I let it win. I let it consume me and fill me with pride. Then, redemption came over me. I felt the softness of self forgiveness fill me up. I heard the voice in my mind tell me, it’s okay. “Learn this lesson, really soak it in.” I heard it ask me, “what did you learn?” and I gave myself the answers. I was seeking answers that I thought I needed someone else to tell me and then it hit me, the only person who needed to was myself. I had given myself the answers that I could’ve never been satisfied with by anyone else.
I decided at that moment how much more intentional I want to be with my time and energy. No more questions filled my head. There were no more “what ifs”. I have never felt a freedom of acceptance than I have now. I appreciate solidifying what I knew then is what I have always known. I am happy that my Younger self said to me, “do this because you will be happy if you do”.
I will wake up every day, with a mission in my head, a purpose in my soul, and a kindness in my heart. I will wake up knowing redemption is here. It is in every single moment of every day until the day I die. I will never take each moment for granted. I am here. I am alive. I won’t give up. and I will never let anyone strip me away from myself, ever again.