Clarity

This year was a whirlwind of emotions to say the least. I let myself be free and unpredictable and wild. Not all of the choices have been made to be the “right” choice or leading me to a path of least resistance but at the same time those choices full of consequences, hurt, happiness, and confusion made me discover things about myself I haven’t had to put to the test yet. Like when you’re in the middle of wanting to dive into the deep end but afraid there’ll be shallow waters.

After all, I’m only 29, going on 30. Life seems so far way from when I was 5. I constantly bring myself back to certain moments in time when I was a child, not knowing I would end up here in this space.

I wish I could’ve said that I learned so much that I was close to perfect. Perfection is something of a disease that I subconsciously cling to. I always aspired and wished I could be the perfect person, the perfect mother, the perfect friend, the perfect wife, the perfect sister, and the perfect daughter. I so wanted to be perfect all round and I found myself time and again disappointed in my inability to meet my own expectations. I used to beat myself up, heavily. I used to mentally beat others if they didn’t meet my expectations. Soon I have made it to when I came across any disappointment, I found hope soon after and made every attempt to heal the wounds. I dusted off my shoes, fixed my shirt, and learned to keep it trucking. Life doesn’t always feel hopeful during or after, sometimes you think you only have the cards you’re dealt with. I have just been through so much that I refuse to believe there isn’t anything else for me in this world that I can’t experience fully and wholly.

I also just as equally found pride in the way I have been able to clear the smokes in fires that came about in my life. I have been placed in many tests that in which I ignored my awareness and eventually listened. Awareness had kept me at bay from things that I knew would harm me. I had been mentally sprained and hit by confusion, mostly caused by my inability to recognize when energy comes with negative intentions.

I have also been made aware of my desires which is my ability to take my time and not rush things and not want to rush things. I used to feel envious of other people and situations only to find there is just as much weeds on the other side of the fence as my own. I felt a sense of gratitude being able to be in my garden and being able to decide on the flowers that are here and what I want to water.

My fear in the unknown has caused a lot of conflict and fear in me that I felt I had to take a step back from what life has assigned to me and do things to break free and feel a sense of freedom I stopped myself from. I found answers in questions I had and I found that I was asking the wrong questions. I used to feel a sense of what if and now I feel the sense of – I knew what if all along. I knew what I needed to do to take care of my mind, body, and soul and I gravitated towards that. I haven’t stopped gravitating towards it since. Like recently volunteering at a community center giving lunch, getting a reminder of what life is like outside of me.

Some things I constantly wish I would’ve done differently but I feel if I had, would I really have made it this far mentally? Would I have been able to know the things I do now? No and I’m so glad. I feel so at peace now and I needed that kind of serenity in my mind. The peace and calmness I was able to develop was resulting from making decisions that I felt were right for me. I knew what I wanted then and for once I was able to align what I wanted to what I needed now. When that happened, the candle fire lit up in my mind and stood burning melting wax of doubt and uncertainty away. I kept doing things that brought me certainty, peace, and love for myself.

Life can be a cruel monster or your best teacher, sometimes you gotta listen to what it’s telling you. A lot of lessons are pretty loud and the little voice in your intuition, is usually right.  I have many times stopped to listen to that inner voice and shut her out and my inner voice became so loud and the lessons became so loud that I couldn’t ignore it. I had to listen and I had to listen carefully and fully honor what it’s telling me, no matter who is in my way.

People think I’m a pushover but I think a pushover is someone who stays in the same spot, same situation, same place, continuing to be pushed over and never moving from that spot. That’s not me.

Love,

Martha Donis

Lose to Gain

I’m finally alone with my thoughts, still up and wide awake, completely in disbelief at how this past year has been a whirlwind of ups and downs.

People never tell you when you’re younger the things that are talked about around you whether they’re good or bad are a product of just life happening. It really just comes and goes endlessly. No one makes you feel comforted knowing that everything good AND bad happens to almost everyone and everyone’s “good” and “bad” aren’t so different. No one ever tells you it’s okay if you go through them and no one tells you how all you have to do is continue the struggle with a strong mind. Often, society makes it seem like they are ready to tear you down and make you feel inferior when when you aren’t always your best self. We are creatures of impulse, loneliness, confusion, madness, love and yet still manage to maintain some type of innocence deep down inside. There is still the innocence in us, the part of us that wants to feel like we matter, are loved, and are accepted for who we are. Almost every one of us finds ways to bring us closer to it.

We don’t anticipate everything happening so quickly as time passes, wondering what the next day will bring, wondering if we learned anything since yesterday.

All of our life experiences are vital for growth. It’s necessary to go through mistakes and forgive yourself. I was as gentle as I could be with myself, learning to love the woman who was hurt, the woman who was lost, and the woman who fought her way through to love and acceptance. That was the woman I saw during all my phases. The hardest part was staying dedicated to rebuilding myself into the woman who said no to things not serving my mind, body, nor soul in a positive way and placing boundaries where there weren’t before. There were so many teachers this year- so much of it taught me patience.

I have been lucky to have been loved so unconditionally in my life and I have been lucky to study the psychological aspects of the human experience and how to survive it by reading/listening to others’. I was fortunate to not only survive my human experiences but I managed to overcome and take any pieces that have bruised and broken to rearrange and rebuild.

I have learned to embrace loss and find the gains in them through multiple and imperative exercises of the mind, heart, body, and soul. I’m glad I leaned to embrace loss and be unafraid of it. There is a freedom of being unattached to an idea and an expectation that you can’t put a price on.

The gains were in how from beginning to end, I maintained vigor in my desire for my life to flourish and prosper- a priority. I never wanted to come out on the other side empty handed from what I can offer me knowing I can bring my experiences to the table. The only person you can truly depend on, is yourself. The person in the mirror is the only one who can make or break you and your future.

Love,

Martha D

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Self-Growth Is A Constant

Hey loves,

I know I haven’t written since the last post but I have been in the process of doing a lot of growing, book reading, re-evaluating and soul searching. I have had a pretty busy last few weeks also from certain situations arising that take my attention from the things I love to do. But, no harm done- back to the grind, still doing the things that I love.

I am currently riding a wave of newness. A new beginning for me within the firm I work for is approaching therefore giving me excitement for the unknown. I’m still coaching clients via Herbalife, sharing the ideas I have through my social media platforms, and continue to find new skills and talents that I can work on this year to share with the world. I’m beyond excited to be able to!

To give you guys a quick update on the position, it started off as something I have been trying to obtain last year because of the skills I want to gain that I did not have awareness to from my very few years of adulthood. For a quick explanation of what that is, I am in the business now where networking is a requirement for growth. I realize that the best way I can attempt to mold and shape my views/skills is by speaking with and communicating with tons of different people with different personalities without judgment to understand how to adapt to them. I used to believe I wasn’t a people person because I considered myself as an “introvert” or “shy” and really what I ended up finding is that it translated to the fears I have of rejection.

Long story short, this position did not accept me last year but did accept me this year, and in all reality, fell into my lap. The moment I did not get the job last year, I was disappointed but made no issue of dwelling on it. I quickly moved on and found myself in predicaments around people who were going the opposite of positive growth. Luckily the opportunity presented itself again and I decided this was no coincidence, it was the Universe telling me that this was the step I needed to take. My inner voice strongly agreed with it, applied and got it.

I worked extremely hard, since the last time I wrote and still continue to work hard on expanding my mind and opening my mind as well as my heart to the idea that I can design who I am and my life. It has been an extreme breath of fresh air. Ever since, nothing but blessings have come my way. Yes, with some resistance but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t work around.

I have started by taking myself out to dinner or lunch, breaking myself out of the mold I put myself in for so long, finding it unnecessary to require company in order to enjoy life’s simple pleasures. It is insane how your own beliefs can box you up and keep you home because of any inkling of discomfort (I’ve clearly read one too many spiritual books since I started this self-growth journey.)

I have found myself more aware becoming much more inclined to smile and look in someone’s eyes to be able to feel their energy as well as the moment. So many small things that I found myself doing that I stopped myself from believing in for a few years, I started to see become so far removed. I continue to shed each layer of limiting beliefs, conditioning, and habits that kept me from being the best me I can be.

To get a little deeper, I have also found myself in a position that did push me back a few steps. There was something that presented an inner conflict when particular situations and persons appeared in my life. I had in a few occasions started betraying my inner voice, not listening to my gut. I almost felt myself lose control.

I was able to see that I was adding back on the old habits and conditioning. I became again, insecure and feeling my self-esteem starting to shake that my ego started to arise. I didn’t feel like myself anymore at one point. Then, my inner voice shouting as loud as it can in me, pulled me away from the toxicity of the air that was my fear, worry, doubts, and meaningless desires to remind me where I’m going. Still, although a pain to have to go through, all of it was necessary.

It helped me see what it is I truly want, who I was becoming and who I want to be. It helped me also notice how these moments of despair can also easily sprout joy and happiness once the focus shifts. The disappointment and sadness was acknowledged. I let it settle in for a moment. I coddled it and told it that it was okay to visit but that it had to go now. Now, it was time to focus and concentrate on the things that bring me joy and happiness and release any attachments and expectations.

Although some old habits started to latch itself on, it wasn’t strong enough. Luckily I love myself and others far too much to destroy the work and progress I built. My skin became like oil, preventing conditioning and toxicity to hold. Suddenly, they all fell like leaves and blew into the wind. I have been practicing so much forgiveness from that time of my life- forgiving myself and others and letting go as gracefully as I can. In the end, I feel no bitterness. I feel more alive than I ever was because I embrace each moment and truly felt everything. I realize I am less afraid to be vulnerable and that’s where I found my courage.

Now, I am happy because I know that I am not what I have done, what I believe, nor my habits. I know I am not my past. I’ve learned how to find and be the light when it’s dark and also find light in others. I focus now on the intention of what my energy and presence will give when I am somewhere.

I was fortunate enough to come across people who’s light came to touch me and be part of what’s considered my only life’s journey, whether it was good or bad. A million, trillion, billion people in the world, many I don’t know, many places I haven’t seen but I’m beyond blessed, to see the ones I have and know and it doesn’t stop here! Growth is a constant, ever changing, evolution of a revolution against societal conditioning. More to tell later…hopefully soon!

Love,

Martha

The more things seem the same, the more they seem to change.

I’ve been having writers block lately but with the desire to write. I took out my notebook yesterday and my mind wanted to fill up the papers with words I had in my head but I got distracted so I ended up not writing and just did the basic. There’s a foundation I never want to stop and want to continue which is writing as much as possible the five things I’m grateful for.

I have just been doing a lot of spiritual healing, more so having a better attitude and reacting less to triggers. I have grown up in a world where I cared too much about what people thought and how people felt that I couldn’t be as honest as I wanted to be. I am in a space where I’m allowing my values to take over my past and renew my present. I have started to care less about what people say and do and more about what I can do in my own power in response. For a moment I also ran into a hiccup. It’s true when they say that some wounds will appear when you don’t deal with them at the moment that they happen and it’s crazy how much I was even willing to hurt myself because I didn’t love myself enough to address them. Just recently heard a video in which Mel Robbins spoke on a statistic on the odds of being alive right now. 1 in 400 trillion. In short I’m one lucky son of a gun. So even though in a sense I really try not to take my life so seriously now, I still take into consideration the fortune of getting to ride this world in the life that I have been given.

So I found myself in a sea of emotions recently, reminding how human I was and unforgiving I was to myself. I felt as if I was drowning in certain moments, like I couldn’t catch my breath and I was treading for survival. There were wounds that opened up and I had to learn to forgive myself for them. At first I wanted a lot of things to go a particular way because of them but I ultimately figured there’s beauty in the mystery of life. There’s beauty in not forcing things to happen the way that you imagine in your head. There’s beauty in letting life take it’s course and just having the best attitude about it and taking action to ensure the course is smooth.

I found that some things are not forever but that beautiful memories are life’s way of reminding you the great stories you came across being forever for you. Life has a way of introducing even more beautiful memories, much more beautiful than we could reminisce on. So much of that reminded me to focus on the present and I have often had to bring myself back a bunch of times. I am very satisfied in being able to pull myself back though by allowing myself to feel certain things and allowing myself to let go of the fluttering butterfly of emotions that land in the palm of my hands unexpectedly.

I am just lucky, so lucky to have been working on healing my wounds, something I never even thought I’d get to do but I do them so that my daughter won’t pick up the damage. I am also lucky to have been loved, even in those moments when I have felt at my lowest.

Always grateful for the things I experience and happy for life I’m breathing.

Love,

Martha