Lose to Gain

I’m finally alone with my thoughts, still up and wide awake, completely in disbelief at how this past year has been a whirlwind of ups and downs.

People never tell you when you’re younger the things that are talked about around you whether they’re good or bad are a product of just life happening. It really just comes and goes endlessly. No one makes you feel comforted knowing that everything good AND bad happens to almost everyone and everyone’s “good” and “bad” aren’t so different. No one ever tells you it’s okay if you go through them and no one tells you how all you have to do is continue the struggle with a strong mind. Often, society makes it seem like they are ready to tear you down and make you feel inferior when when you aren’t always your best self. We are creatures of impulse, loneliness, confusion, madness, love and yet still manage to maintain some type of innocence deep down inside. There is still the innocence in us, the part of us that wants to feel like we matter, are loved, and are accepted for who we are. Almost every one of us finds ways to bring us closer to it.

We don’t anticipate everything happening so quickly as time passes, wondering what the next day will bring, wondering if we learned anything since yesterday.

All of our life experiences are vital for growth. It’s necessary to go through mistakes and forgive yourself. I was as gentle as I could be with myself, learning to love the woman who was hurt, the woman who was lost, and the woman who fought her way through to love and acceptance. That was the woman I saw during all my phases. The hardest part was staying dedicated to rebuilding myself into the woman who said no to things not serving my mind, body, nor soul in a positive way and placing boundaries where there weren’t before. There were so many teachers this year- so much of it taught me patience.

I have been lucky to have been loved so unconditionally in my life and I have been lucky to study the psychological aspects of the human experience and how to survive it by reading/listening to others’. I was fortunate to not only survive my human experiences but I managed to overcome and take any pieces that have bruised and broken to rearrange and rebuild.

I have learned to embrace loss and find the gains in them through multiple and imperative exercises of the mind, heart, body, and soul. I’m glad I leaned to embrace loss and be unafraid of it. There is a freedom of being unattached to an idea and an expectation that you can’t put a price on.

The gains were in how from beginning to end, I maintained vigor in my desire for my life to flourish and prosper- a priority. I never wanted to come out on the other side empty handed from what I can offer me knowing I can bring my experiences to the table. The only person you can truly depend on, is yourself. The person in the mirror is the only one who can make or break you and your future.

Love,

Martha D

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The more things seem the same, the more they seem to change.

I’ve been having writers block lately but with the desire to write. I took out my notebook yesterday and my mind wanted to fill up the papers with words I had in my head but I got distracted so I ended up not writing and just did the basic. There’s a foundation I never want to stop and want to continue which is writing as much as possible the five things I’m grateful for.

I have just been doing a lot of spiritual healing, more so having a better attitude and reacting less to triggers. I have grown up in a world where I cared too much about what people thought and how people felt that I couldn’t be as honest as I wanted to be. I am in a space where I’m allowing my values to take over my past and renew my present. I have started to care less about what people say and do and more about what I can do in my own power in response. For a moment I also ran into a hiccup. It’s true when they say that some wounds will appear when you don’t deal with them at the moment that they happen and it’s crazy how much I was even willing to hurt myself because I didn’t love myself enough to address them. Just recently heard a video in which Mel Robbins spoke on a statistic on the odds of being alive right now. 1 in 400 trillion. In short I’m one lucky son of a gun. So even though in a sense I really try not to take my life so seriously now, I still take into consideration the fortune of getting to ride this world in the life that I have been given.

So I found myself in a sea of emotions recently, reminding how human I was and unforgiving I was to myself. I felt as if I was drowning in certain moments, like I couldn’t catch my breath and I was treading for survival. There were wounds that opened up and I had to learn to forgive myself for them. At first I wanted a lot of things to go a particular way because of them but I ultimately figured there’s beauty in the mystery of life. There’s beauty in not forcing things to happen the way that you imagine in your head. There’s beauty in letting life take it’s course and just having the best attitude about it and taking action to ensure the course is smooth.

I found that some things are not forever but that beautiful memories are life’s way of reminding you the great stories you came across being forever for you. Life has a way of introducing even more beautiful memories, much more beautiful than we could reminisce on. So much of that reminded me to focus on the present and I have often had to bring myself back a bunch of times. I am very satisfied in being able to pull myself back though by allowing myself to feel certain things and allowing myself to let go of the fluttering butterfly of emotions that land in the palm of my hands unexpectedly.

I am just lucky, so lucky to have been working on healing my wounds, something I never even thought I’d get to do but I do them so that my daughter won’t pick up the damage. I am also lucky to have been loved, even in those moments when I have felt at my lowest.

Always grateful for the things I experience and happy for life I’m breathing.

Love,

Martha

Grateful Holding You

One of the very few things in my life that brings me tremendous joy is holding my daughter in my arms to put her to sleep. Every time I hold her, I always think to myself how much I will miss her warmth. I take the moment to really soak up the present. I smell her hair and her skin, her 4 year old skin that only grows. I cherish feeling her be that small for the last time because all she’s going to do is grow. So I sing to her and I try to remain aware and not feel so quick to go watch a movie and have me time. My mind often wonders to what I’m going to do when I have my me time but this time, it will be her time.

I think one of the things I struggled most with as a new mother was being able to bond with my child. I don’t feel ashamed to say it because it’s true. It was my struggle. I had been feeling depressed before and after pregnancy. I had to force myself to even get up and do things as well as take care of the baby. I was tired all the time and moody. It was one of the most difficult transitions/phases of my life. I thought I would never be able to grow out of it but with new transitions and phases in life, comes challenges. I pushed through the challenges I faced wondering if I would ever get through them. Eventually, I grew from them. It was those challenges and painful moments that molded and shaped me to work on becoming better.

When I didn’t even think I would become an adequate mother let alone a good mother, here I am. Although I can’t consider myself great or perfect-your good old trophy mom-I mean she’s fed, loved, and dressed so that counts right?

I think we as mothers put so much pressure on other mothers to get it together when in reality it’s a struggle. We struggle to take care of ourselves because we’re so busy taking care of new life when we have newborns. Taking care of oneself is harder when breastfeeding. At that point you are simply a buffet for your human that needs you. I still struggle today. As parents we all struggle. It’s a different beast to face every day, literally.

We are teaching a human or humans who are new to the world how to be human and to be a decent human all the while some of us adult humans have become cynical from the trenches of adulthood. I find that I had push myself to start developing so that I may be able to fill my cup so that I can pour into her cup. It’s to the point that I’ve considered my body a shell, a miraculous vessel that I have to care for if I want to continue to make more or give quality time to my daughter.

Then, there are those moments of clarity in parenthood. Like when I have filled my cup with positivity and joy. There are those days I fed my spirit with the word of the Bible and I feel satisfied in my self development so that I can apply myself and be with my daughter in the best version of myself that I can be that day. I do it to where I can finally feel like, I made it through.

I make it so that the end of the days are worth it. After smiling in the midst of chaos of bills and adulthood, I would finally get to hold her while she sleeps. I feel the most sense of fulfillment when the silence fills the room and all I hear is the whispering of my  voice singing “Los Pollitos” while I listen to her heavy breaths of exhaustion.

There’ll never be a better feeling felt as a mother than to feel your little creation safe and sound and for that, it is all worth it.

Love,

Martha

Finding Love

I think sometimes we over think this love thing, hell, I mean I know I have. I always thought of love being this perfect little fairytale out of a book. You know, where the Prince Charming somehow becomes your savior or hero in action.

Boy was mine a long shot from a perfect knight in shining armor. I think we disappoint ourselves when we have a checklist in mind for who we think we will end up with. He was complex but for me, easy to understand. He was sweet yet yet rough at times. I always wondered how the outcome would be given that I’ve received so many mixed signals at first but our attraction was undeniable. We were told constantly that we should date and it never occurred to me that we actually would until we did. It tickled my curiosity to find out what it would be like especially since he was so quiet and his silence intrigued me. Not only did he make me curious but I enjoyed his company genuinely so I figured it can’t be bad, right?

Well, within those months I was at a time that I call the time period of finding myself. I was still super new to the real world. I haven’t been given much common sense to take with me so most of the time I was oblivious to my own ignorance and nevertheless I did it my way anyway.

I had let myself be free and also let him be in his world. It was freedom and youth at its highest. I mean, I was enjoying myself and living and so was he. I had been experiencing a type of freedom I never had before which was as a result of moving out of my parents’ house and finding out my previous relationship wasn’t going anywhere. It was just a myriad of ropes that snapped and allowed me to find myself.

Yet, the man I chose ended up being the type of man who I could talk to and confide in. Sometimes even when he he was rough, he still managed to feel like home. He was sweet even though I could tell he was fighting with old habits. Don’t we all have those we fight against?

Of course, I managed to get caught in certain crossfires if that but needless to say, I survived. I feel like sometimes people can misjudge if they’re not in the situation or know what’s really going on behind closed doors but I always feel that we all have flaws and are worthy of forgiveness, especially if we carry good hearts.

I’ve found that all the complications and choices led to my being blessed to have a good man. I always felt fear of not knowing what the future held since I’m sure like others have had interesting experiences in their love life.

Given I had very little experience in relationships, I’ve managed to push through a lot of bull. Learning recent news of a few people I almost made it out with, made me feel grateful that I had who I have. I feel like anyone who knows me knows I had been through a lot on my own.

This relationship also after all, allowed me to be vulnerable.

I was always down to experience a new person but not down to immediately move into the idea of forever after. I was having fun, I was young but each time he would express an idea of a deeper meaningful relationship by being a gentleman, it always turned me out. I was with a man.

He changed the idea of never getting married in me. What’s more, is his respect for people in general. I’m sure as most men do, have their moments of whatever men think about or do of course but for the most part, I got lucky to say that I’ve found love where I didn’t expect to find it at all.

Above all, like I told a friend earlier this week, some questions just have no answers and we don’t need to know all of the answers.

We just need to love hard and cherish each moment that we are alive, whether we are in a relationship or not.

I’m thankful I had experienced other people and relationships before I got to say yes to the one I wanted and don’t feel that “what if” feeling, even if I wished at some moments I could’ve done certain things differently in the way I handled situations which simply reminds me that that’s the beauty of life.

Per usual, we take the test before we learn the lesson. I learned how to forgive without receiving an apology nor seeking one.

Not saying follow my example but if you’re still in that zone of finding yourself, let yourself be free and enjoy the moments that come. Someday you’ll look back and be happy that tons of people contributed to the quality of your life and don’t focus on the negative. Both positive and negative things happen but which side you pay attention to more will determine how you view things.

Always live with love, peace, and happiness.

Love,

Martha

Lost

I’m full of mixed emotions right now.

My worst nightmare is coming to reality and I didn’t even know it. The most amazing person that I’ve ever met in my entire lifetime is about to go soon. All I do is pray the Lord that my grandpa is there with Him.

Last night, my father posted a Facebook post stating his dad wants to dance (in Spanish) and is hoping he doesn’t go soon. I immediately felt stunned and worried, I had to call them to find out if they’re okay.

Not the best way to greet me but my dad pretty much told me you finally call when someone is about to die. I was taken aback by such a remark. I understand he’s trying to cope with the death of his own dad, but what sense does it make to push me away? I suppressed my disappointment and just replied in monotone, unsure of how to sound or what to say. I didn’t make it a point to turn the situation over to myself even though that hurt me pretty bad.

I’ve learned to take a lot of that growing up, the why do you cares, or oh you’re there. The apathetic emotions that grew into me. I’ve let those emotions take me over and now I’m not who I used to be.

But the one person who cared about me, sung to me and my sister, always loved us and tried to preach God to us as much as he can, is about to leave the Earth spiritually and physically. I feel like my world just got a little bit darker. All the lights in my head and in my heart are dimming. I feel the shine dulling. I feel as empty as can be.

The worst part is my mind, my heart, and body fight against itself to get me how to react and understand in general what I’m feeling. I feel lost and upset but I also feel acceptance. My grandfather is old and we all knew the time would be near since his last stroke. Overall, however, I feel numb most of all. I now envy people who are able to feel pain. I can feel it in brief glimpses of my life but they’re so brief it never lasts long. I’ve tried to feel hurt or emotional to let it out but my eyes refused to let out anymore tears.

Right now, I’m aware that my grandpa is in the hospital, in a coma. He has been considered brain dead. The doctor asked them because he is no longer able to breathe on his own, if they want to open him up and manually get him breathing.

The last thing I heard is my grandma and my dad are deciding to pull the plug.

It scares me now ,the reality of what moving on means to my life after this. I hope that all the words my grandpa has preached to me will instill in me or somehow God will awaken in my soul.

My dad said he felt guilty of the way he’s treated him beforehand and I know at some point we will always feel guilty about the things we’ve done to others, especially ones that we love. That is why I have to figure out ways to love as hard as I can, as much as I can. Regain the ability to feel my emotions with no fear so that I won’t find myself feeling guilty of not loving the ones I love, hard enough before they go.

With a heavy heart,

-Martha Donis